Transformation

The pain

that made you

the odd one out

is the story

that connects you

to a healing world

                       Tanya Markel

It is easy to see when and how a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.  It is visible to the eye, as we watch the insect cocoon itself and emerge with wings.

We watch the seasons change . . . from the heat of a summer to the cold of a winter.   We watch some of the fall leaves turn color and slowly, but surely, drop from the branches, leaving the tree branches bare.

We watch babies . . . I am speaking of two legged babies here. . . slowly grow physically and consciously (knowing more and more about the world they live in) as they go from toddlers to adolescents to young adults.  We watch as we all get older and we watch as people slowly or in an instant, leave their bodies and are no longer walking this earth.

External change, when paid attention to, is clear – crystal clear.

When it comes to the human being’s inner life, transformation might not be as visible.

And yet, it is stunningly powerful, as nature is, to appreciate an awakened or awakening spirit evolve in its beingness.

I will go out on a limb here and say the profound harmony, aliveness and oneness that flows through the awakened system is something everyone longs for.  Out on the same limb, I contend, In the midst of suffering and divisiveness so prevalent in our earth, everyone, in their heart of hearts yearns for peaceful connectedness and kind collaboration amongst each other and all life.

Experience has shown me, quite clearly, that healing is a spiritual and a transformative endeavor. It can be a transformative happening that empties us of what obscures our true nature.  Rather than bypass our pain, our traumas; rather than invalidate our human experience, a spiritual life that includes healing, makes possible and invites the human being to follow the laws of creation (we are not the creator). We do not have the control we want so badly to think we do.  In fact, relief comes not from controlling life, but from allowing or flowing with change, recognizing that everything and everyone comes and goes.  

We are also called to follow the laws of individuation (we are unique, following the herd is a recipe for staying asleep) As with all of nature, we are designed to be ourselves . . . to not follow the collective or group think of who we are taught to be or supposed to be.  We are called to stay internally attuned – to express our very own song – to mature as our very own contribution within the laws of creation.  Individuating, spiritually, is an act of love. Being and evolving into the emptiness of our uniqueness and divinity is an act of love. It is an act of love to know thyself as pure being and it is an act of love to open our hearts, for the love of what is real, and for the compassion of treating ourselves and all of life as precious.

 What is often missing in spiritual teachings is the recognition of the sacredness of our humanity and the inner layers of healing that is needed for individuated and embodied awakening.

The profound teachings of be here now; the mind is limited and cannot bring you home; the importance of surrendering to something greater than yourself are exquisite sign posts pointing to awakening.  What can often happen, though, is the teachings become a concept, which in turn, leaves the seeker or newly awakened being with a flimsy knowing of what is needed, missing the descent into healing and the manifesting through embodiment that makes the teachings real and alive in a life fully-lived.

I lived with a closed heart for most of my life and all the pointers in the world could not touch the built-up crustiness of protection and lack of trust . . . legitimately learned.

I would not have had words for the process of healing that ensued but it is clear that in order to heal; in order to unknot the inner entanglement of trauma and pain, I had to want to know the truth and be willing to be responsible for where I was living psychologically. . . more than I wanted the illusion of the belief that I was protecting myself.   I had to come face to face with how I felt and how I behaved and the effect all that was having on my life and everyone I was in relation to.

I had to learn that by holding onto my illusory protection and avoiding most real pain, (I suffered mightily, but that got me nowhere) I was contributing to every single conflict I was experiencing.  What I was putting out would invariably come back to me in how others reacted to me or treated me.  It took decades to see, face, feel and learn that every time I distanced myself (from myself and/or someone I cared about), I was playing out unconscious and buried pain and a learned pattern of behavior.  As understandable as it was (to try to protect myself like that), I was actually cultivating fear and avoidance within myself and in my relationships.  It was such a relief to see through this dynamic and understand that I was in fact fostering disconnection and loneliness. 

I cringed as I learned over and over again how quickly my first response would be to blame someone else or some circumstances for my wounded heart.  I found that blame, instead of bringing me comfort or solace, left me feeling paralyzed. I came to know, in the cells of my body, that kindly understanding my agony stopped the harshness I wished on others.  Without denying the very real trauma I experienced or without denying the omnipresent injustice in our world, taking responsibility for my reactions . . . my hurt heart . . . my bleeding distress became empowering. Empowering enough to give me a voice – a voice not from a separate, small self – but a voice from love.  A voice that is “gentle as a dove and wise as a serpent.” 

Have you noticed that what you pay attention to fuels it?  Something I had to learn over time when triggered by some event or memory, was when and how to give it attention, knowing that what you feed grows. Sometimes an inner reaction is calling for loving and close attention – needing the understanding that comes from truly hearing and compassionately understanding the reaction and the unfolding of its history.  As a child left out in the cold, it needs to be brought closer to the fire of love and healing.  When we have been dissociated from parts of our history or parts of ourselves, it is imperative to invite these parts into the wholeness of our beings.

Other times, our reaction can be our small selves longing for control or a way of distracting from taking responsibility or even fighting for its’ life or existence, so to speak.  It behooves us to pay attention and discern what is genuinely being called for when we are reactive. 

Before awakening I would have conversations with “myself” when I became terrified or nervous as I continued to let go of and see through the falsity of my learned conditioned thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  With genuine softness I would affirm, out loud, that even though this was frightening, everything in me was aligned with a greater and deeper reality.

Through this I was able, over time, to discern dissociation from non-attachment.  When dissociated I felt nothing or at best an indifference.  I only knew a form of love that was needy or grippy, with some attempt to cling to a warm body.  An awakening into non-attachment is to love without neediness; to love without fear of losing; to love without asking the “other” to be anything other than who they are.  

Healing can occur before, during and after awakening.  Our histories are deep and the impact of any type of mistreatment or neglect dusts itself throughout our entire system.  It is not uncommon to face the same dynamic over and over again, each time anew as it arises from a more buried or a further removed, dissociated place.  Each time we welcome a new layer, with open arms and hearts, we become more open, with more space for love to blossom.

Before awakening healing helped dislodge defense after defense, creating open space for spirit to rush in.  I had the good fortune of finding skilled and warm therapists and analysts who took me (healing) as far as they could.  Walking into the world of spiritual teachers with many of my defenses dropped meant I was ripe for surrendering – the elixir for choosing truth over illusion over and over and over again.

Healing after awakening deepened the profound sense of peace that comes being fully aligned with what is true, what is present and wholeness. 

Carl Jung taught that perfection is a myth and a dead-end road that leads us to increased suffering.  Seeking perfection gives us a sense of being broken or incomplete.  Wanting to be perfect most often arises from fear or comparison or trauma.  In truth, we are not broken; we do not need fixing.  Nothing real is missing.

Wholeness is what we long for and instinctively know as a true resting place.  Everything . . . every part of us . . . every dynamic played out in our lives . . . every thought (no matter how dark) and every feeling is welcomed as an integral piece of our wholeness.  It brings Rumi’s Guest House to mind.  Depression, joy, grief, anger, delight, despair, anxiety, fears and desires are all part of our human condition and our human condition is not separate from the Divine. 

When awakened love is omnipresent within us. . . recognizing our innate wholeness and, even more powerful, courageously facing every bit of ourselves, becomes the most natural thing in the world.  Being honest with ourselves is no longer a choice; without a doubt, not being honest with ourselves and in our relationships leads to great discomfort. It becomes obvious that living in the truth is transformative – and healing in of itself. It is radical acceptance of what is – what is in each moment – being present to what is arising within ourselves and within the world at large.

Again, when awakened love is omnipresent, being present now . . . and now . . . and now . . . is profoundly held . . . healing happens . . .kindness and presence welcomes all life exactly as it is. 

I have used my own experience of healing throughout this essay but all of it has been in a larger and universal context of what might be called spiritual laws – laws that govern what brings a greater flow to our lives.  We learn early on about not stepping too close to the edge of a high cliff, knowing gravity is a fact. If we fall from a high cliff we will be injured or will die.

Wouldn’t it be something if we taught our children the laws that would make lives more harmonious and a reminder of the sacredness of all life, including our very own. 

I have explored my own healing process within these laws: 

*Everything changes . . .all comes and goes, our world is impermanent and everything and everyone we love, including ourselves will leave this world.

*The energy we put out into the world is the energy that comes back to us.  When we are unconsciously angry, we will be responded to in kind, equally defensive – when we are kind we will be responded to gently, when we are sullen, we are likely to be left alone, when we are generous, we will see gifts. 

*The more non-attached (not clingy, needy, controlling) we are the more love can flow. The more non attachment we are/the more healed we are, the clearer we see what is real, the more creative we are in our responses to everyday life and challenges.  Being non-attached to an outcome allows more room for constructive and effective resolutions. 

*The law of being present.  When all our attention is fully present to what is happening here and now, we are not distracted; we are fully inhabiting now – the eternal now where all the unfolding of creation takes place.  Being present aligns us, profoundly, allowing us to see, really see, hear, really hear, touch, really touch the essence of what is being seen, heard and touched. 

*Remembering our wholeness (we are not lacking and everything is welcomed back home), and the truth shall set you free (the enormous healing and transformation that comes from choosing truth over illusion). When we deny our unwanted quirks and behaviors, we are splintering ourselves, which, in turn, keeps us pretty ineffective and lop-sided. Knowing our wholeness, the completeness of our beings, is the home we are seeking.

*The law of compassion.  Notice your body when you are in the field of compassion and notice your body when you are in the field of judgment or fear.  (whether coming from within ourselves or from “another”.) The body will lean in and relax in the midst of compassion and tighten when it senses darker energies. If darker energies are met with compassion – for real – the body will know the truth of the moment. Cultivating compassion softens the heart and opens us wide to the source of all life.

The laws of awakened harmony await our recognition.  May we heal, transform and know our lives as a gift.

Small Kindnesses 

I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk
down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs
to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you”
when someone sneezes, a leftover
from the Bubonic plague. “Don’t die,” we are saying.
And sometimes, when you spill lemons
from your grocery bag, someone else will help you
pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other.
We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot,
and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile
at them and for them to smile back. For the waitress
to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder,
and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass.
We have so little of each other, now. So far
from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these
fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,
have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”

                                                                 Danusha Lameris