We discover our true selves in love
- Thomas Merton
I am reading Tattoos on the Heart by Gregory Boyle. He is a Jesuit priest who works with kids who are in gangs and often addicted to all sorts of dangerous drugs. From my viewpoint he has an unusually deep and far-reaching experience of God. He speaks of the Ground of all Being and knows God to be vaster than any human mind can come close to comprehending.
“Close both eyes; see with the other one. Then, we are no longer saddled by the burden of our persistent judgments, our ceaseless withholding, our constant exclusion. Our sphere was widened, and we find ourselves, quite unexpectedly, in a new, expansive location, in a place of endless acceptance and infinite love. We’ve wandered into God’s own ‘jurisdiction.’”
What is moving me, profoundly, as I read story after story is how one man is spreading love . . . on the ground. There is nothing intellectual or distant about his relationship to love and to his homies. He attends as many funerals as masses and there is nothing simple about his work. And yet, the book is filled with moment after moment of astonishing healing.
He has implemented dozens and dozens of practical solutions – jobs, schooling, mentoring . . . but he shows the reader that healing is not just about resolving problems. It’s about remembering who you really are. Often, the pain, anxiety, and disconnection they (all of us really) experience are not signs that something is wrong. Through his intimacy and compassion, he opens them to the very real fact that they are not broken. Their lives are violent and horribly in danger, but they, their beings . . .their humanness are not lacking. They are intrinsically good, no matter what they have done.
Beneath the noise of a chaotic life and the dense shame these kids live inside, Boyle is able to reach his homies in such a real, on the ground way, that they come to deeper truths calling them. Through his genuine and evolving love and compassion he lets them know, in no uncertain terms, that they are essentially worthy. Without using any abstract words, he reflects to them what they really are—whole, of distinct value, good, and free. Once we know our goodness, we can move mountains and thread needles – show up in the world as a very real presence.
Boyle brings me to the question for our particular times. What does love on the ground look like when our world is on fire; when we more often than not see the people we disagree with as enemies; when fear is being peddled by so many and when so many of us are living in fear and a sense of deep unsafety. Often, for good reason. When cruelty and blatant injustice is rampant. In these circumstances what does love and compassion look like?
Having lived with Long Covid for over three years I have had a whole lot of opportunity to ponder and reflect on feeling peace and love when our world and/or our interior is turned upside down and, for the most part, looks pretty dark and bleak.
Certainly, waking up to our fundamental goodness; waking up to the bone-deep knowing that we are all sharing one planet/one home (our behavior and our thoughts impact everyone around us, whether we are aware of it or not) - knowing this wizens us and shifts our behavior. Knowing we are all breathing the same air and we, most of all, want to live in and as well-being - remembering this in our cells and souls - would move the needle – more than we can comprehend, I suspect.
But whether we are awake to that or have had glimmers and glimpses that nudged our souls or have had our hearts broken enough times, or have had the privilege of walking in someone else’s shoes even one time; each of us can cultivate a non-judgmental kindness. Each of us can stretch ourselves to the point where we can be kind even to those we whole-heartedly disagree with or with whom we would not choose to be in the same room, (even when you choose to not be in the same room). Not in a phony way, not in a feeling of superiority way, not in a “should” way, but in a way that shows you can see and appreciate and make room for ideas and opinions and conditioning and behaviors very different from your own.
We can choose to be kind and compassionate to our partners or spouses and our loved ones when they are driving us crazy and we can choose to be kind to our critical mind when it is hell bent to take us down a notch. We can choose and learn to not go to battle over conflicts; we can learn to listen more deeply, learn grounded peaceful resolutions and communications, express ourselves without being defensive, and broaden our viewpoints. We can be more kind and patient with each other as well as with our inner darkness and we can choose compassion over being right and righteous.
Jesus taught that we would benefit from being gentle as doves and wise as serpents.
We live in societies, families, cultures, communities, countries and world-views. Often, we are taught and convinced that being kind or compassionate is weak and passive. Throughout history we have been taught that the strongest . . .the biggest . . .the ones who won’t back down, no matter what, the loudest, rule the day. And, sadly that has played out over and over and over again. The times we are living in now indicate all of that on steriods – as if intimidation will be the final word.
Love alone can transform the present madness and insanity in the world – not systems, not theories, either of the left or of the right.
- Krishnamurti
Love alone is gentle as doves and wise as serpents.
To be effectively gentle requires us to also be boundaries-firm. Wise and clear. Genuine compassionate expression is clear-eyed and resolute. When a stop or a no or a putting your foot down comes from your soul, it will convey a conviction . . . a strong and non-reactive confidence . . .and an energy that speaks volumes. It is a power of great magnitude.
Being open-eyed and clear about lines that are not to be crossed (wise as serpents) is one of the mechanisms that allow us to be completely accessible, kind, undefended and very formidable.
Compassion does not come from our minds . . . have you ever noticed how you can turn on a dime when someone annoys you or treats you very badly. Have you noticed you can feel kindly towards someone in one moment and feel completely disconnected from them in the very next moment if they have done something that insults you or hurts your feelings or threatens your world view . . . compassion coming from our minds is fickle and will crumble in the face of any unfinished business within you.
I am speaking of compassion that comes from our being. When kindness comes from our being we are not envious, judgmental, disrespectful, withholding, greedy, exclusive, or having to win or be right. We do not fight fire with fire, nor is it fleeting. We are not reactive nor coming from a conditioned ideology. When compassion comes from being there is no hook, leaving so much space for creativity and solutions that can leave us gob-smacked.
We all live within a certain amount of unconsciousness. It is easy to see the degree of unconsciousness in “another”; and certainly, right now, in the collective. But to be abidingly compassionate with your loved ones, your colleagues, your neighbors and community, no matter what; and to be able to be genuinely kind when you are expressing your strong and opposing viewpoint or letting someone know they may not cross your line, asks us to rub the sleep out of our own eyes.
In Tattoos on the Heart, Gregory Boyle makes mistakes, messes up, gets angry and frustrated and sincerely apologizes. At no point, however, does he lose sight of the intrinsic goodness in his homies nor himself. He knows they are all a work in progress and the only currency he abides by or counts on is endless acceptance and infinite love.
When you love, there is neither one nor many: there is only love. It is only when there is love that all our problems can be solved . . .
- Krishnamurti